I never had a serious relationship with any girl

ಆತ್ಮೀಯ ಸ್ನೇಹಿತರೇ ನೀವಿನ್ನೇನು ಓದಲು ಶುರುಮಾಡುವ ಈ ಬರಹ ಒಬ್ಬ ಅತೃಪ್ತ, ಚಂಚಲ, ವಿಚಿತ್ರ, ಮಹಾ ಪ್ರೇಮಿಯ ಬದುಕಿನ ಆಯ್ದ ಭಾಗ. ಆಕಸ್ಮಿಕವಾಗಿ ಸಹಪ್ರಯಾಣಿಕರಾಗಿ ಭೇಟಿಯಾದೆವು, ಮಾತಾಡಿದೆವು ನಾನು ಮಲಗಿ ಮುಂಜಾನೆ ಎಚ್ಚರವಾಗುವಷ್ಟರಲ್ಲಿ ಆತ ಇರಲಿಲ್ಲ, ಯಾವುದೋ ಸ್ಟಾಪಿನಲ್ಲಿ ಇಳಿದಿರಬೇಕು ಅಂದುಕೊಂಡು ಸುಮ್ಮನಾದೆ. ಬ್ಲಾಂಕೆಟ್ ಮಡಿಚಿ ಬ್ಯಾಗಿನೊಳಗೆ ಇಡುವಾಗ ನನಗೊಂದು ಆಶ್ಚರ್ಯ ಕಾದಿತ್ತು, ತಿಳಿ ನೀಲಿ ಬಣ್ಣದ ಬೈಂಡ್ ಹಾಕಿದ್ದ ಹಳೆ ಡೈರಿಯನ್ನ ಯಾರೋ ಇಟ್ಟಂತಿತ್ತು, ಉದ್ದೇಶಪೂರ್ವಕವಕಾಗಿ. ನನ್ನೊಂದಿಗೆ ಪ್ರಯಾಣಿಸಿದ ವ್ಯಕ್ತಿಯೇ ಅದನ್ನ ಇಟ್ಟಿದ್ದು ಅನ್ನೋದು ನನಗೆ ಮನವರಿಕೆಯಾಗಲು ಹೆಚ್ಚು ಸಮಯ ಬೇಕಾಗಲಿಲ್ಲ, ಚಹಾ ಕುಡಿಯುತ್ತ ಪೇಜುಗಳನ್ನ ತಿರುಗಿಸಿದೆ ಮೊದಲ ಪುಟದಲ್ಲಿ ದೊಡ್ಡ ಅಕ್ಷರಗಳಲ್ಲಿ 'PSYCHOLOGICAL BEHAVIOR' ಅಂತ ಬರೆದದ್ದನ್ನ ನೋಡಿ ಯಾವುದೋ ಟೆಕ್ಸ್ಟ್ ಬುಕ್ ಇರಬಹುದು ಅಂದುಕೊಂಡೆ, ಇಲ್ಲ ಅದು ಆತನ ಪರಸನಲ್ ಡೈರಿ. ಅಲ್ಲಲ್ಲಿ ಕೆಲವು ಪುಟಗಳನ್ನ ಓದಿ ನನಗೆ ಸಹಿಸಿಕೊಳ್ಳಲಾಗದೆ ಇಷ್ಟನ್ನ ನಿಮ್ಮೊಂದಿಗೆ ಹಂಚಿಕೊಳ್ಳುತ್ತಿದ್ದೇನೆ (ಒಟ್ಟುಗೂಡಿಸಿ), ನಿಮಗೆ ಇಷ್ಟವಾದಲ್ಲಿ ಮುಂದೆಯೂ ಹಂಚಿಕೊಳ್ಳುವೆ ಇಲ್ಲವಾದರೆ ಸುಮ್ಮನಾಗುವೆ. ನಾನಂತೂ ಆತನನ್ನ ಓದಬೇಕು, ಏನೇನು ಬರೆದಿದಾನೋ ಪುಣ್ಯಾತ್ಮ. 

ಆ ಅಪರಿಚಿತನ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಆತನ ಮಾತುಗಳಲ್ಲಿ  --

By profession I'm a psychiatrist, because I did my post graduation on major psychology and now writing doctoral thesis on psychological aspects.so, I can be a psychiatrist - is graduation mandatory to become psychiatrist? no!! I found this answer when I was preparing for last exam of my graduation!!!
I don't want to work, I have many dreams and desires. This says about me, I'm great enemy to myself. Am I lazy? no, not at all.
I'll put required amount of effort for any task which I assume.
I carry great hesitation. I'm not dare enough to say whatever I feel. whenever I find something wrong  in somebody's statement, I push myself to silence or I'll surrender to them if my sense says correcting their statements is useless or It will lead to a dumb arguments. I don't speak much with girls, I never started or will never start conversation with any girl except my family members. I want to make some noise in a bunch of people to get recognition, at that point in time also I'll have some hesitation. I saw very few faces of girls in my class and neighborhood, forget about chatting.

'I'm not content-full, I don't suit for this profession', my mind always chant this mantra. so, it made me to switch six different profession. my family members, friends and well wishers never blamed me for it. Because,they think whatever I do that will be good.

Many girls proposed their love to me I accepted them not even thinking on it. Sometimes shamelessly I accepted two proposals. I went for date with them and many times.

I don't flirt, buy costly presentations or cloths for them, pamper them  and I don't do any attractive things which usually many boys do to impress girl, while walking on street, if I notice any human female species I'll put my head down to avoid eye contact and I'm not much excited to look at their face and figure, still many girls proposed their love to me, they themselves arranged dating, outing and many things.
What is so special,interesting, exciting aspect about me  which I never noticed.

when I ask this even my mother says 'I don't know' followed by 'stay away from girls otherwise get married' and I'll say 'I'm only 28 and half'

she says 'that's perfect age'

one of my cousins asked that 'why are you pushing your marriage'

'I'm not prepared'

'means what?' as he asked I went for silence because I had no answer.

and finally he said 'don't waste your time and sperm'

while snipping cigarette I said 'may be I'm wasting my time but not sperm'

he smiled and said 'do whatever you want'

and I started writing this diary !!!

Many times I feel empty. that time I'll smoke, read books, watch movies, sing song or listen to those old, mellifluous and refreshing voices of Indian cinema. sometimes I thought of suicide because of many complexities and wasn't dare enough to commit
I'm a psychiatrist with this psychology. many of my clients says that 'you are a good healer'.

I'll say 'thank you' with relevant smile

but, question arises in my mind 'How? are you sure?' which I never asked!!

 

 

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